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Captain Fishy's Butt Flavored Popcorn Balls
Getting Started
When I first saw Captain Fishy's Butt Flavored Popcorn Balls at the local Piggly Wiggly, I was a little hesitant to buy them. I've always loved popcorn, but wasn't sure about this exciting new flavor. But I figured I'd give them a try since they were on sale and it's hard to pass anything up that's 2/$1.00.
When I got home I took the individually wrapped balls out of the bag and placed them on the counter. As one began to roll I noticed a big, red WARNING on the back. I figured I better read it, since the last time I ignored a warning label I was picking beach ball shrapnel out of my ass for two weeks and to this day won't go near an air pump. Anyway, the label read "Use caution when handling. Do not touch ball with bare flesh! Use wax paper or surgical gloves." Now, I wonder why that would be? Since when is popcorn a hazardous material? Well, I didn't have any wax paper, of course, and was completely out of surgical gloves, so I grabbed a paper towel hoping that would be enough.
Suprisingly enough, the wrapper was childproof. It was in three layers and the last one was plastic. You had to line up two little dots and then it would pop off. At least that's what the directions said. It didn't work very well. I tried using a butter knife to pry apart the thin layer of plastic covering the ball. The plastic was much thicker than expected and broke three butterknives in half. I decided to try another approach. I thought about using a hammer but was afraid I'd break the ball into little pieces and there is no sense in buying a popcorn ball if your just gonna break it all up. I settled on a rubber mallet and a chisel. The chisel looked way too thick to fit between the seam but I couldn't think of anything else. I sat down, put the ball between my legs, held the chisel in one hand and the mallet in the other and began tapping. After a few taps the gaps between the plastic started to widen and within half an hour the plastic loosened up enough for me to pry it open easily with a visegrip and some pliers. Some of the popcorn had loosened and fallen off and the ball looked more like a football than a baseball shape after all the pounding, but it wasn't too bad.
I grabbed a paper towel and picked the mangled ball up. I thought the wrapper had a brown tint to it, but apparently the wrapper was clear. It was the ball that was brown. Nice touch, I thought. The coating, while very attractive, was extremely sticky. The paper towel was sticking to it and leaving tiny little pieces of itself all over the ball. I threw the towel out and tried to find something else that would work better. The best I could do was a potato chip bag. There was still half a bag left, so I dumped them out on the counter and used the bag as a glove. Much better! It was still sticking to the popcorn, but not as bad.
Ohhhh - That Smell!
The next thing that really struck me was the aroma of the ball. My kitchen was beginning to smell like someone shit in a paper bag and stuck it behind the regrigerator - three weeks ago. I held the ball of popcorny goodness up to my nose and took a deep whif. It's truly amazing what they can do with artificial flavorings these days, because it smelled exactly like dirty butt. I decided beer would go awfully nice with it, so I reached into the fridge to grab one when the ball slipped out of my hands and rolled accross the floor leaving a tiny trail of popcorn poop prints. As I reached down to pick it up, my potato chip glove ripped right down the center. Damn! Being the rebel I am, I decided to just throw the stupid thing away and go for it bare handed. Warning shwarning.
I settled down at the kitchen table and bit into the ball. The coating had a carmel texture to it, and complemented the cruchiness of the popcorn well. The butt flavoring was very authentic. You know how artifical grape stuff tastes nothing like a real grape? I mean sure it's good and all, but it's a completely different flavor than grape. This was butt flavoring for sure. Nothing artificial about it. The aroma was stronger than the flavor, but chewing it left large chunks of sticky popcorn in my teeth so the flavor lingered long after swallowing.
Conclusion
All in all, I highly recommend Captain Fishy's Butt Flavored Popcorn Balls. The plastic wrapping, while slightly difficult to get off, keeps the popcorn fresh and the coating soft. However, if you do decide to buy some, I would recommend a few things. First of all, open them only in a well ventilated area. Outside, preferably. The aroma is something to behold, but it lingers for a few days and can be embarrassing at parties. Surgical gloves are a must. It took me three hours, a bar of Lava soap and a brillo pad to get the smell off my hand. And defintely do not eat one of you have any fillings or loose teeth. The chewy coating makes a Butterfinger bar seem like ice cream. The drawbacks, however, are well worth it. Captain Fishy's products are hard to find, but well worth the hunt. And if you ever run into their Butt Flavored Popcorn Balls, grab them while you can, because I have a feeling these things will be flying off the shelves.
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Copyright © by LWD All Rights Reserved. Published on: 2004-02-22 (5949 reads) [ Go Back ] |
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